(I have never lived normally so I could be gay).
I know it’s hard to believe people when they say “I know how you feel”, but I actually know how you feel. For those who were ever in love, and I’m saying LOVE FROM ONE SIDE, I know how hard it is for you. I understand the feeling as small and insignificant as humanly possible.
I was 17, I met a guy (15 years older), musician, and he blew my mind with his music. I decided that I wanna get close to him as I was (and still) passionate about music as much as he was, and eventually I succeeded. 2 years later, after becoming best friends, I realized I fell in love with him. MADLY. I fell in love with every single detail about him, with every inch of his body. Head to TOES. For 12 years, my heart was caught in a very tight cage. So tight that it could hardly beat! For 12 years, I was in love with a straight married man. For 12 years, I was torturing myself. For 12 years, I could not think of someone else, love someone else, accept someone else. For 12 years, I fought my parents for not being around them, I lost friends for not contacting them, I lost my closest cousins who loved me deeply, I lost great job opportunities abroad the country, I lost my savings, I lost my nerves, I lost my life. I held my tears for 12 years of loneliness and sadness. I am a man walaw? I am straight! Crying seemed to me like being weak. I am a man walaw? I have never been weak, even when my closest people died, how can I allow myself to be one during those 12 years. Akhhh. 12 years. I hate this number and I hate this term.
God knows how hard I tried to get over him. But we’re in touch all the time, so that makes it impossible to forget him, which is great for him, but sucks for me.
Now, I sit back and remember. I am 31 years old. HOW. How did I let this happen to me. How did I miss all those TEEN years where I could be 22 maybe, in love with another 22, and having a bf. Some say it is not too late. I say it is. I am stuck at this phase, this dream, where I am in the early 20s, having this blond white skin smooth boy, very handsome and charismatic, as my bf, and living life as I should have, as I wanted to. But it’s too late. I turned 31 recently, and I have missed all the teenage fun. It wasn’t possible to meet gays back then as it is now. But now, it is too late. I am growing, I am unable to love. Now that I am free, that my heart is, I cannot find one single soul who can make my heart beat again.
Those 12 years killed my feelings, killed my emotions. My heart died, and I still cannot cry. My heart died.