On New Year’s eve i went to this after-party. It was a mixed crowd predominantly gay. I had a great time there, talking to people, enjoying the music and dancing. Then a guy whose father was very close to mine entered and we met. He had a problem for a while dealing with his addiction to drugs, he wasn’t very much happy to see me there and made sure to ask me several times not to tell anyone that i saw him in the club. I assured him i won’t several times as well. Then suddenly he asked me: “you’re gay right?”, to which I answered “Yes I am”. And then the preaching of the inner homophobic erupts. “Be whoever you are I don’t mind it’s your life” “Thanks man” “But don’t brag about it, don’t tell anyone” “It’s fine habibi my parents know and they’re fine, i’m out proud and loud” “Noooooo of course your parents are sad but they don’t wanna show it to you” “Habibi believe me they’re fine” “Of course not, if my mother knows about you she’ll be very sad” “euh…” “Promise me to keep it a secret” “Ow here’s my ex boyfriend” “Promise me” “Enjoy your night man and take care of yourself”. Weird eh?! Like da f*ck is that? That was a 1st to me. I dunno even how to analyze it. My mind never thought really of the homophobic person that cares about you. Or about his sanity. Or about your parents. Or about how his mother would feel if she knows I’m gay. I thought everyone knew I’m gay already.
Lately this thought is haunting my mind. I would like to witness people’s love. The idea of being between 2 men who are in love excites me much. It warms my heart and stimulates my interest. It makes me think sometimes it’s one of my f*cked up thoughts. We all have fucked up thoughts. I think somehow i’m in a phase where i believe I’m not gonna find my soulmate anytime soon. I can’t. I won’t. And therefore i have an interest to be close to a couple, share with them some time, have a threesome, chill. The idea needs much of maturity and lots of love. Still there are few couples out there that make me smile whenever i think of their relationship. I mean of the idea they project of their relationship. Is it real? Is it perfect? How are they intimately? What problems do they face? Does that mean I want to be in a 3 way relation? Who said relations consist of 2? Why do we gay people conform to hetero-normative standards? Why don’t we explore more our different self? Are we cocksuckers doomed to find the love with one person and then marry him if we got the chance in our country or seek it in another country? All these questions and more are intriguing me and I would like to find answers for’em.
This blog is full of questions huh? I still have few of them. Why did I decide to write those 2 separate stories in one blog? What’s the relation between them? Why some people are still basic in their questions? Am I culturally elitist to think how such people from the 1st paragraph exist? How come their mind is that limited? Why do I carry the burden of thinking elaborately?
Why are you reading? What are you thinking? Are you judging? Are you relating?
F*ck it. Bye