All posts for the month January, 2014

I am B.I.G. . Just like Barney….

Published January 28, 2014 by angrytinkerbell

I am big. I’ve always been. Never felt i should lose it, never realized how big i was, until I became socially gay, and visited the Jack & Jones stores.

How come there was never a full bodied princess in fairy tales? or a big charming prince? I never asked these questions as a kid, i guess i took it for a coincidence. Nowadays i feel it was intentional.

How come the standards of beauty, or handsomeness, shifted in art, from picturing full bodied women, to skinny crackheads?

How come an anorexic food-crusher would become appreciated in the fashion industry, while all the women wearing after her are not the case?

Well okay, people find that Beyonce and Haifa are the ultimate sex symbols, but am far away from being them…

I’m a big woman, however I’ve not been gifted boobs and booty.

I am big, I’ve always been. Never felt it was a problem, as I have a smile that works like magic. People categorized me as charming, until i became socially gay. Charming was not the main criteria people look for here. You need to be hot. Although hot is relative, we tend to adopt one style of hot, you know that one featured in media, having base in Greek/Roman art and mythology.

Hot is perfection, perfection is muscles, symmetrical ones. We look for perfection, all the time, the kind of perfection we’d never reach, and even if we do reach it in our physiology, we’re never satisfied, we’re always looking for what we don’t have, instead of appreciating what we do have.

Trying to reach perfection is not a bad idea, it motivates you to work on yourself, but have we really thought of what is perfection? What kind of perfection we’re trying to reach? Do we have our own perfection, or is it the perfection in people’s eyes? People are not sure neither what is perfection, how come do we rely on such a non steady point and we expect it to give us stability and conviction?

I highly appreciate the commitment people put into going to the gym. It needs so much devotion. I was born with a character that despises commitments. I just can’t. I enjoy things till they become commitments, you know when you have to do it on specific dates and in a specific timing, then, i lose interest. It becomes boring. However i can swear i admire people who can do that.

I am big, i guess I’ll always be. I never realized it till i entered to Jack & Jones. Stylish and affordable, seems good for an everyday kind of clothing, not the best material for a proper lady, still you cant be a star wearing Kashmir and Silk all the time. Cotton is fine. But Lycra? Lycra??? Like seriously??!! How can i fit into that without resembling to a cheap slut that is trying to look slimmer? And then you say, okay bitch you have an issue, suck up on it, all you need is a white T-Shirt. You ask for the biggest size, you know, and the salesman brings you a triple x one, you try it, you try hard, but never manage to fit into it without showing off your one pack. You manage to hold your temperament like a proper “Femme de societe” until he says it: ” It looks amazing on you”. Instead of blowing, you look at him in a passive aggressive mode, a la Bree Van Di Kamp, and smile. Then he fears you, and backs off.

“You have a beautiful face, but don’t you think you should lose a bit of weight?” “It’s the 1st time i sleep with someone with a belly but you’re cute” phrases i heard so often, accompanied with a pity look and fake caring facial expressions. Can you blame people? Well kill them all already. People are just disoriented and weak. You smile again. You think, well those people are forced to do that much of effort to fit and feel beautiful in the eyes of others, while you are satisfied with no effort to mention, how can they take it?! Someone needs to see the suffering you put to reach what you are now, while others come and tell you, unintentionally, i don’t care about your efforts, must be horrendous but I can’t help it. In your advantage, you can take off your shirt in a gay bar while i can’t, so chill.

I am big, I have an attitude towards being objectified. I won’t make that much effort to appeal to anyone, not even to my ex who liked muscles. I don’t like to be objectified, i don’t appreciate it when people even tell me “I love your belly” “I was praying that you’d have a belly”. I am not a fucken belly. I am a big woman, big in thoughts, big in heart, big in soul. I don’t even think I’m that big.

I met this guy, an athlete, he liked me, i liked him. He had one hell of a cute smile. He asked me “How come you don’t work out”. I answered “Let’s make a deal, you read all what i wrote, and then ill work out with you and let you train me”

“It’s ok, forget about it” he answered …

I smiled….and again, it worked like magic.











Go with the sands…

Published January 23, 2014 by angrytinkerbell

Look at me, look deep in my eyes. Have you seen it already ? Have you seen anything, already?

Look into my soul, have you seen my pain? No? Have you really looked? Do you expect me to go like a beggar exhibiting my deepest insecurities?

Begging for a mercy from you? Have you ever known me?

Have I ever asked for your pity? or sympathy?

Do you expect me to stand naked in front of you? Drawing equations for you to assimilate it??

Do you want my love? or my submissiveness?

Do you want me strong? or weak by your side?

You want proofs that i love you? Proofs that i cannot provide?

Kill me already, finish me up. Don’t you want that? Wouldn’t that satisfy your insecure ego?

Have you understood anything? I am a standing flower, in a desert full of predators.

I evolved with my defenses, yet I glow with beauty. Have you seen my beauty? Have you really contemplated me?

Have you seen my injuries? I survived them. I have many scars. Have you seen my scars?

Do you really expect me to die? Amongst that much of negativity? Do you expect me not to blossom?

Have you ever contemplated my light? Do you wanna shut me down?!

Do you think you can? Isn’t that why you liked me in the first place?

Would you prefer to destroy me? Haven’t you witnessed people trying? Haven’t you witnessed them failing?

That’s the way you feel unique? If only you could?

You came with a breathe of fresh air. Do you wanna leave with a storm of sand?

Do you really wanna become the past?

Have you really thought of the colors and odors i brought into your life? You just wanna kill that before you go?

Kill me already, have you really tried?

Wait, so you don’t wanna kill me, but you want me to suffocate? Live in slavery, dead outside your protection?

I don’t understand that. Forgive me i cannot. I cannot borrow you my roots to hold yourself to.

Go with the sands, ill keep a good image of you. I’ll still carry love towards you. I will always love you. I love you so much that i cannot hold you any further….