It’s been a while I didn’t write, a long while, long enough that it took me some time to figure out the new template WordPress introduced. The past 9 months have been strange for me, on many levels. Writing from the heart is difficult. My heart hasn’t been the same for many reasons. I’m not gonna go into details with you, i always thought I shouldn’t add on people’s concerns. However i wanna write about one specific thing. My heart has been consumed by guilt.
It’s not that i killed anyone, robbed anyone, cheated on anyone. Nothing of the obvious reasons.
2 days ago, I had a conversation with a straight friend of mine:
-How’s your love life lately? I asked.
-No love life for me, i have few fuck buddies, i go out with many girls, nothing serious, I don’t think i can be serious about anyone nowadays.
-Aren’t you afraid?
-Afraid of what?
-Of having people developing emotions for you? This idea frightens me.
-This is not my problem, it’s theirs. You can’t go on thinking about everyone. From my side I’m quite clear. If they fall for me they are to be blamed.
I always wondered where do people buy this kind of certitude about things, about everything. When people judge someone that he’s an asshole, how can they be sure he really is?! When people declare they’re into muscles, how can they be sure they’re not gonna love fucking some full bodied man?! When people tell you it’s not their fault if someone fell for them, how can they be positive that they are not to be blamed, even if they were clear about things?!
My heart has been consumed by guilt lately. I went into three affectionate short termed experiences in the past 2 years and a half, where i felt something towards 3 lovely men. My heart pumped with affection towards them, yet my mind, my fucked up mind, always ended my emotional state with radical NO s. Yeah I’m that type of humans. My heart always needs the consensus of my brain. I have a stubborn brain that refuses to comply. One that dictates not to ever go into a destructive relationship. I even try to legitimize it with the duty of preserving the best interest of both. The result? I made 3 men cry. Unintentionally, unexpectedly, I made 3 strong men cry. It blew my heart, I, made them cry. Because of that rigid brain of mine, that heartless brain of mine, it was I, who made them cry. I convinced myself of the righteousness of my act, shielded my heart with a protection, although till now they cross my mind and I feel for them, and left them to an unprotected heart of theirs. It is I, who broke their heart.
Where can you buy that certitude when you need it, the certitude that they should have been rational enough to protect their heart like I did. The certitude that things had to end and they weren’t meant to be. The certitude that if it was to continue, it would have led to a mutual destruction of the other. The kind of certitude that you, letting go of them is the right thing to do, the legitimate action for the interest of both?
My heart will be consumed by guilt, for a while i guess. I am afraid, I am terrified of giving someone a chance and letting go, of going with the flow. I’m asking myself so many questions, I dunno if I’m gonna fall in love again, or allow myself to do so.
I dunno if I’m gonna take the risk again. I feel divided between my interest, and the best interest. By the politically correct, and the temptation of the politically incorrect.
I’m afraid that I’d hurt someone. I don’t wanna be the reason behind any man’s crying, the cause for anyone’s innocence dying.
For that, i cannot love. Not for a while at least, i guess…