I’m sorry Mother, I’m gay

Published June 20, 2014 by angrytinkerbell

It’s been 4 years that I’m out. I outed myself the other way around i guess. I thought why do we need to explain our orientation to people, people who mattered or who didn’t. I thought well, some people do not like clarity in things, they prefer to have a reason to doubt what’s somehow being clear to them, live in denial of facts. This thing about human beings is somehow weird.

Being out  was important for me simply for the aim of living a free life, without trying to hide things. I’ve hidden nothing, I was clear, the kind that burns, just like the sun, exhibiting all my fab.

My mother used to tell me as a child: “Whenever you try to hide something, it means its wrong”.

Believing that being gay was nothing but right, I thought well hell with it, I ain’t hiding it.

I ain’t hiding it from anyone. Let the Lebanese republic hear of its gay citizen.

I’m sorry mother, I’m gay.

A friend of mine told me: “Once you go out of the closet, it’s time for your parents to go in it.”

My mother decided to get out of it now, after 4 years of denying the homosexuality of her son. She decided to acknowledge it.

I’m sorry Mother, I’m gay.

I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to bring shame to you. I never meant to make you cry.

I never intended to become gay, I wish i had a saying in that.

I’m sorry Mother, I’m gay, living in a hypocrite society like the Lebanese one. I’m sorry you had to hear people talking about me. I’m an individual, living my full individuality, while my society is communitarian. I’m sorry you’re part of it, and have to endure its hypocrisy.

I am “decent” Mother, never intended to compromise your decent image in the society you live in.

I know you and Father lived a life of “Saints”, i assure you for many people I am the same. People think I’m a good person Mother, I swear I am.

I wish I could stop these “Bad habits” Mother, I wish it was a habit in the 1st place.

I’m sorry you’re crying at nights Mother, believe me it blew my heart hearing you do so. I would have never thought I’d be ever the reason behind you crying. You know i had my share in that. You know? I had my share of tears for many nights, i cried silently without anyone noticing.

You see Mother? I faced that fucked up society all alone. You raised me to be a proud boy, I can’t be any less proud. I stood facing everyone, with all my sense of pride and the strong personality you transmitted to me. You used to tell me “Men don’t cry”, I don’t cry anymore.  Well I do, but not for the wrong reasons. Surely i stopped crying for being gay. Now it’s your time Mother, you can’t cry because I’m gay.

Mother, I know it’s hard for you. After 60 years being around in this shit-hole, change is not easy. But you need to be strong Mother, because i care for you. I’m not asking you to accept my homosexuality, I’ve never asked for people’s consensus on that matter, and will never do. But you really should be strong as I’ve never seen you weak, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want me to weaken neither.

I’m sorry Mother, I’m gay. I’m sorry you still cannot see how happy I am living it freely, not abiding by the double standardized society of ours. You cannot imagine how happy I am, for not having to lie to insignificant people, for not having to make people suffer because of my double life, for not being held hostage in the Lebanese prison.

I’m sorry Mother, I’m an individual, I never really gave any importance to my surrounding on my behalf, believe me I’ve lived to see the misery of people who lived up to the expectations of their entourage.

Mother, I never hurt anyone, at least not intentionally. I grew up to be a very “sweet” “considerate” “loving” person, unlike your harsh society.

I’m sorry Mother, I’m gay, i never meant to make you sad, yet you were never a victim, and it’s not the right time to start being one.

I luv u loads.

 

proud parents

3 comments on “I’m sorry Mother, I’m gay

  • Reading that left me in tears. Very inspiring and I wish I can do the same. Knowing my family, I will end up being shot by my younger brother for killing both my parents with my news.

    If it was a choice, I would have chosen the easy way out. There isn’t one day that I don’t curse this state I’m in. There isn’t one moment that passes with my niece and nephews running around me that, I don’t feel heart broken that I will not get to see my children or hear them chuckle in joy to see me. There is not one wedding I plan or attend where I don’t tear up knowing that I will never have for myself what I give to others.

    I wish I can be me, unleashed and with no fears. I wish I can be accepted with no apologies needed or explanations. I wish it was a CHOICE so I can un-choose it!!

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