Tarek was a happy child. Very joyful. Full of life. Born from a family that owned its business, he got all what he wanted. Surrounded with a lot of tenderness, life wouldn’t have been happier for him.
He got aware of his attraction towards men at a very early stage of his life. He was surrounded by many likeable male figures. He thought he was alone to have this tendency. He tried dating women, he wanted to prove to himself that he’s just like any other person. Tarek never felt anything emotional towards a woman. He had sex with plenty. His 1st time was when he turned sixteen, his brother took him to a strip club. That day he lost his virginity to a woman, but he knew it meant nothing for him, he was thinking of a man all along.
He had conflicts with the social dogmas in Lebanon. Everyone around him, everything around him, was convincing him that the normal thing consists of a man and a woman. His brother was notoriously known to be a womanizer, he was a social idol for his skills with women. Every love story he read joined a man to a women. All the romance TV series too. His religion encouraged marriages between men and women. Family members seemed to be all happy when someone is getting married.
He was asked all the time about his girlfriends. He dated very hot chicks. He was a handsome young man, and wealthy as well. He knew deep inside that it was fake, a cover to prove to his family that he’s following the same track of his brother. Women fell for his charm and elegance. He never felt the same for them.
He became a university student, a popular guy, outspoken and heard. He lived up to his entourage’s hopes, always there in the social happenings, building an image that pleases his relatives and makes them proud of him. And when no one was there, he always found time to flee the fake life he was leading and run into his alternative world, where he was true to himself, pursuing men in gay cruising areas. The sense of danger gave him a rush of excitement that he craved with time and became addicted to it.
In that world, he found a refuge that gave him comfort. His sexual encounters were full of risks but became also a necessity. He couldn’t sleep with men that knew his entourage. He could not afford that someone discovers his sexual orientation. He became a prisoner of the image he created for himself, the image that pleased his relatives and made them proud of him.
Having graduated and started working in the family business, Tarek couldn’t afford being with another guy that represented a love material. He was not attracted to such kind of men anyway. He was seeking those “straight” men that were never to be met in his morning life. He would do anything to get them. He enjoyed being submissive to their needs, giving them the lead in sex and the priority in pleasure.
He couldn’t form a relation, even if he felt something for someone. His homosexuality was a primitive form of sexual pleasure that existed only in the alternative world he created, and could not last till the sunrise. He couldn’t find manhood in gay men that were at ease with their sexuality. A “man” for him was a “straight” one that humiliated his needs, that had a fake attitude of machismo, that was rough enough to break his rebellion, tough to the extend of physical abuse.
The best 2 sexual encounters Tarek ever had, were when he was literally and not consensually raped.
Tarek was truly raped, and was craving to be raped again…