Sometimes, while surfing the internet, you’d see this picture of a man, who’s features would call for your heart to react. He called for my heart to react with a regular picture of his, where he was smiling all the way.
Lovely face you have there, i said.
Do you come to Beirut sometimes (as he was from Sidon)?
We should meet someday.
Whenever you want.
That was our conversation. In Lebanon, you learn not to be straight forward. Well men are not that “Straight” after-all. They like ambiguity, blurriness, vagueness. Yet the way he interacted was cool in any case.
I sent him my number and told him to talk to me on whatsapp. Two days after, i receive a message from him while i was at work, we agreed on talking when i finish. From 2:30 am to 5:30 am, 3 hours of talking and talking. I kinda made it clear i was looking for a man, not a buddy. He made it clear that he was a soldier, and interested. He was fluent in English, with very good background. He got me impressed. We spoke about a lot of things. The connection was beautiful.
The day after, a Friday, the night at Bardo was ending when i sent him a message. I wanted to see him on Sunday, my day off. I dunno how things turned into agreeing on seeing him that same night before he goes to the station to rest. He was on duty, on the checkpoint.
I closed Bardo, and headed with a lot of excitement and a bit of fear to meet him, at his checkpoint. Never have I done such a thing. I just felt it’s the right thing to do. I was driving, thinking of how crazy I am, but hell with it, we live once, he seemed hot and sweet, so let it be.
I parked at the other part of the road at 3:30 and messaged him, declaring my arrival. He walks towards me, with his uniform, all tall, built, sizzling hot. My heart was beating, looking at him, walking towards me with his big gun. I’m talking about his actual big gun. He reaches my window and stands there, his bulge at the level of my face.
I acted maturely. Wasn’t gonna allow myself to look overly interested nor hyper fearful. Was barely smiley, a bit indifferent, as if i was used to such situations. Our date lasted for 30 minutes, during which we talked about Nietzsche. What?! He actually reads for Nietzsche, he started telling me how he was reading lately that guy’s theory of the weakness of people who hold their ferocity, human beings are fierce creatures by nature. I hate Nietzsche for that brain he had, I argued with him, telling him how weak i thought people to be when playing aggressive, doing fights, not controlling their anger and temperament.
He smiled to me. That was a good sign. What wasn’t a good sign, is when he mentioned how non gay i looked. Yes, looking straight is offensive for me. But what can i do? I act like myself, and people judge me upon it. Yet it was definitely not a good sign. I was sure of it when he continued saying that he never tried it with a man but he’s curious about it. I hate it when people take me to be the right person to be curious with. I’m more of the person you come out with, you be flashy and provocative with. Urghhhhhhhhhh
At that point, i knew something is gonna go wrong. You know?! With that mentality, you expect him agreeing on the rules of the Lebanese army regarding gay sexual intercourse in the institution. You know that rule that states: A doer (fucker), is imprisoned for a while, a done with (the person that gets it in the ass) is expelled from the army. See? In the Lebanese army, they don’t just discriminate against gay people, you have a bigger discrimination going against bottoms. Something like, you take it in the ass, we kick your ass. Lovelaaaayyyy! The next thing would have been him pretending that i was a man with a pussy, or just gifting me some Lingerie so I’d fulfill his sexual fantasies.
My man, who was the sweetest thing at the beginning, turned to be all of a sudden just another regular one. My dream was about to fall apart.
The night ended with a “It was very nice meeting you” from both parts.
The next day he was gone….
And I went back to be real….